How to Validate Your Teen’s Feelings (Even When You Don’t Understand Them)
Parenting a teen can be challenging, especially when their emotions seem overwhelming or hard to relate to. You might find yourself thinking, "This isn't a big deal," or "I don’t understand why they feel this way." However, validation is one of the most powerful tools in building trust and strengthening your relationship with your teen. Even if you don’t fully understand what they’re experiencing, showing empathy and acknowledging their feelings can make a world of difference.
Why Validation Matters
Validation communicates to your teen that their emotions are real and important. It helps them feel seen, heard, and accepted, which can strengthen their self-esteem and emotional resilience. When teens feel dismissed or ignored, they may shut down, become defensive, or feel even more isolated in their struggles.
What Does Validation Look Like?
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your teen says or does—it simply means recognizing their feelings as valid and real to them. Here are some key components of effective validation:
Listen Without Judgment – Give them space to share their thoughts and emotions without interrupting or offering immediate solutions.
Reflect Back What You Hear – Repeat or summarize what they’ve said to show that you’re truly listening (e.g., “It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed with school right now”).
Acknowledge Their Emotions – Let them know their feelings make sense, even if you don’t see things the same way (e.g., “I can see why that would be frustrating”).
Avoid Minimizing Their Experience – Statements like “It’s not that bad” or “You’ll get over it” can feel dismissive and make them hesitant to open up in the future.
Offer Support, Not Fixes – Sometimes, teens just need to vent. Instead of jumping into problem-solving mode, ask, “Do you want advice, or do you just need me to listen?”
How to Validate When You Don’t Understand
Even if your teen’s experience seems foreign to you, you can still validate their emotions by:
Focusing on Their Perspective – Their reality might be different from yours, but it’s still valid. Try to see the situation through their eyes.
Using Open-Ended Questions – Encourage them to share more by asking, “Can you help me understand what’s making this so difficult for you?”
Remembering Your Own Teen Years – Even if the details were different, chances are you also had experiences that felt intense and confusing.
Expressing Empathy – Saying, “That sounds really tough,” or “I imagine that must be painful,” shows that you care, even if you don’t completely get it.
Common Pitfalls to Avoid
When trying to validate your teen, avoid these common mistakes:
Brushing Off Their Feelings – Saying “You’re overreacting” or “That’s not a big deal” can make them feel unheard. Brushing off feelings can bring on not being heard, isolation, and loneliness. This can also help create a teen who starts to doubt their feelings and emotions, which impact them into adulthood.
Comparing Their Problems to Yours—Statements like “When I was your age…” can make them feel dismissed rather than understood. Do not do this; it is dismissive. If anything were to happen to your teen, they would not come to you for help but rather try to figure it out on their own, which can bring on feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Trying to Fix Everything—Teens need space to process their emotions, not just immediate solutions. Although it would be nice as a parent to solve all of their problems, sometimes just listening and not being judgmental can help a lot and show that you trust in their judgment, which can help build trust and connection long-term.
Conclusion
Validation is a powerful way to build trust and emotional security with your teen. Even if you don’t fully understand what they’re going through, acknowledging their feelings and being a supportive presence can help them feel safe and valued. When teens know their emotions matter, they’re more likely to communicate openly, seek guidance when needed, and develop healthy emotional coping skills.
